How To Talk to Your Spouse About Money Without Fighting
Money can be an emotional topic, and it's also an essential issue in relationships.
If you want to be on the same page, you'll need to talk about money with your partner, and you'll want to approach the conversation thoughtfully and delicately. Here are some tips on how to talk to your spouse about money.
How To Talk to Your Spouse About Money
When talking about finances in a relationship, avoiding repeated, unresolved fights is imperative.
A Utah State University study showed that couples had a 30% higher likelihood of divorce if they fought about financial decisions weekly. You can potentially save your marriage by promoting financial intimacy through effective communication.
Assess Your Current Financial Situation
Before discovering your big dreams, you need to assess your current financial situation. Set up a money date to discuss your income, debts, and expenses. Each of you should list the following:
Sources of income: jobs, businesses, side hustles
Outstanding debts: student loans, personal loans, credit cards (including the monthly payment, interest rate, and amount due to understand how much you'll need to pay off)
Regular expenses: rent, mortgage, utilities, phone, TV, insurance, transportation, groceries, pets, personal care
Irregular expenses: entertainment, eating out, donations, gifts, repairs, legal
Savings: investments, retirement, large purchases
Taxes: local, state, federal, sales
Assets: home, car, jewelry (i.e. anything of substantial value)
Evaluate What Financial Decisions Triggered the Need To Talk About Money
Some of the financial questions to ask your partner include:
What are your expenses that you feel worst about?
Where are you struggling the most financially?
What spending troubles do you have?
How can we overcome our financial challenges as a team?
You need to understand what money mistakes you and your spouse have made and how they are actually affecting your finances. For example:
Are you paying credit card debt on time?
Are you running out of money for rent?
Are you struggling to build an emergency fund?
Figure out the exact problem so that you can work on a solution. Not sure where to start, or feeling overwhelmed? A Financial Coach may be able to help you with these areas.
Ease Into the Conversation
By easing into the conversation, you will lessen your chance of fighting. Set time aside to devote to your money talks as a couple, and prepare beforehand if possible.
This preparation should include outlining your finances and goals on paper and discovering your money mindset by asking yourself questions about how you grew up as well as your current perspectives regarding money.
Once you've each done this work, then you can meet together to draft a united plan for your two goals.
Be Open-Minded
To spark a financial transformation, you need to be open-minded about each other's history and goals regarding your money situation.
Instead of jumping to judgment, work to understand each other, keeping calm as your spouse explains their side and money views. If you get worked up, take a break from the chat and return later.
Be Transparent
When learning how to talk about money with your partner, you must remain transparent.
An honest conversation and open communication are the only ways to resolve your financial struggles and minimize the chance of financial infidelity. Be sure not to hide anything, and try to present your thoughts and feelings civilly.
Be Respectful
If you want to have money talks that don't lead to fights, then be respectful toward each other.
But this may be easier said than done, as money can be a charged topic, so here are some keys:
Let your partner share their piece before commenting, and ask clarifying questions so that you don't act based on assumptions.
Minimize interruptions, name-calling, and trying to "one-up" each other.
Avoid harsh criticism and the use of absolute terms like "always" or never," as these are rarely constructive.
Without the above, money conversations may drive a wedge between you and your partner.
Instead, focus on understanding and respecting each other's financial situations and perspectives. From there, you will have a much better chance of arriving at a reasonable, healthy solution and path forward.
Focus On Each Other's Strengths
Once you feel trusting and safe discussing and working on financial things together, I encourage you to play to your strengths.
For instance, maybe one of you excels at creating budgets and helping both of you stick to them with ease, while the other is great at creating additional income.
Putting more of your energy towards your specialty can be a game-changer, so focus on your strengths both individually and as a couple, and see how you can work them to your advantage for your family finances.
How Not To Talk About Money
Knowing what not to say to your spouse in your money conversations is just as important as knowing what to say when having the money talk.
Don't Assign Blame
There are many reasons one can end up in debt or with other financial struggles, and those reasons don't necessarily mean the person has a bad character.
Financial issues shouldn't have to bring about a divorce in most circumstances, and this starts with setting aside blame in favor of curiosity about what happened and why.
Beyond that, do your best to approach your individual and joint financial challenges as a team — even if you're not directly helping financially, you can always still be emotionally supportive.
Ultimately, in an otherwise healthy, committed partnership, hear each other out before making any serious decisions. and what you learn might just be eye-opening.
Avoid Criticism
Acting like you know more than your spouse about money or putting them down for all the money they spent won't be productive.
Even if your spouse didn't spend money but isn't on the same page as you financially, it never pays to put someone down or make them feel like they don't know enough about money.
If you discover your spouse doesn't understand financial topics, consider reading a book or taking a course together to get them on the same page.
Don't Get Defensive
If you're on the receiving end of the discussion about money problems, avoid getting defensive. When you put up your guard, you immediately look guilty or like you have something to hide.
Try keeping an open mind when you and your spouse have a money conversation, listening to both sides and attempting to reach a middle ground.
Don't Lie
No matter how bad the news is you must share about your finances or how you manage money, don't lie to your spouse. If you have a joint bank account they will find out about the spending when they look at the bank account records, and even if you don't, the truth usually comes out.
Choose honesty when talking about money, even if you feel vulnerable. It will create a more healthy relationship and instill more trust in your relationship.
What if Your Spouse Refuses To Talk About Money?
If one partner refuses to talk about money, it can be frustrating, but there are ways around it.
Try only talking about money when both partners are in good moods and can have an open mind. Consider setting up a money date so both partners are prepared to have the conversation and don't feel blindsided.
If you've tried everything, but you can't get your spouse to start talking about money consider enlisting the help of a financial planner or advisor.
Financial counseling can help you discuss each partner's money story, financial priorities, and resolve any conflicts that come up when talking about money.
Common Reasons Couples Fight Over Money
While each relationship is unique, couples tend to argue about money for similar types of reasons. Here are some things that may come up if you talk about money.
The Stress of Unemployment or Living Paycheck-To-Paycheck
When money is tight, tensions can arise in your relationship. Stress from your insufficient income, the desire for more money, and mounting expenses and bills, especially when combined with other relationship pressures, can prove disastrous.
Spending Habits/Addictions
If one spouse is a shopaholic, the other spouse might feel like they have to control the money consistently.
This restriction is no fun for the shopper, and having to "parent" one's spouse is no fun for the other person, either. This can lead to stress over the balance between financial freedom and responsibility.
Money Management Skills - Lack of Financial Literacy
Without financial literacy, your financial plan or budget may be poorly constructed and, therefore, hard to follow.
Without financial clarity and awareness, the money from your budget could slip away without you noticing. Between juggling savings, investments, and expenses, you might feel overwhelmed, which can lead to tension or even a fight.
Debt
Debt can overwhelm you both emotionally and financially. With interest rates, debt will grow over time, making it challenging to get out of debt once you fall into it.
Emotionally, many people feel embarrassed or ashamed about their debt. These stresses often lead to putting energy toward arguments rather than toward reaching your financial goals.
Lack of Trust
If one of you has had financial troubles, you might not trust that person — whether it's your partner or yourself — to make the wisest decisions in the future.
The issue can deepen if you're not being financially transparent with each other, as well. The best way to work on this is to start small, making promises and keeping them, which, over time, will strengthen that trust.
Salary Differences and Guilt
If you have a, you might resent your partner or be angry that you're the primary breadwinner.
On the other end of the spectrum, you may feel guilty about not working or earning enough money, especially if your significant other works and/or earns more. Either way, this could easily cause an argument with your spouse about money.
When To Seek Professional Help
If you worry about your household's financial security and can't get your spouse to talk about money, consider seeking professional help.
Asking for professional support helps both you and your spouse get on the same page with your financial values, overcome money problems, and strengthen your long-term relationship.
How To Plan Together
Once you've worked out those issues enough to operate as a financial team, next up is making a joint financial plan. If you're looking for help getting started, take advantage of a free consultation with me!
Agree on Common Goals and Consider a Vision Board
I recommend that each of you sketch out your individual goals on your own. Then, when you get together, you can determine which ones you have in common. Maybe your partner even thought of something that you'd like to add to your list, as well.
This is a great communication builder! Take the ideas that you agree on, and consider creating a vision board, whether via Pinterest, a collage, or just cutting out pictures from magazines. That takes you back to elementary school, right?!
No matter your approach, the key is to create something that can regularly remind you of and inspire you about your goals. Some ideas for your vision board include your dream:
House
Neighborhood
Car
Hobbies
Family, and
Job
Have Financial Meetings as a Couple
After these initial meetings, set up regular times to discuss your finances and budgeting. To start, I recommend weekly money dates, and as you make progress, you can decide whether to decrease the frequency, i.e., to monthly or quarterly money dates.
During these meetings, you should chat about your present finances while also touching base about your incomes, career outlooks, debts, savings, and spending habits. From there, you can identify any areas for improvement, resolve any issues, and figure out how to get on track.
Don't Just Talk Numbers; Talk Values
While your income level can have a profound impact on your life, money alone is not the secret to happiness, and numbers alone aren't the key to thriving financially. The more you share your values, the easier it gets to act as financial teammates. Why?
First, it's tougher to argue with someone who is just sharing their experiences or values, and so that's one way to start having some healthy money talks. The trust and sense of safety you build in doing so create a solid foundation for more complex talks later.
Understanding your partner will also help you speak more constructively and choose approaches that actually resonate with everyone involved. After all, the more information you have, the better your suggestions, solutions, and plans will be.
While you're talking about values, it can also help to remember what matters most and why you're actually doing the work of building a relationship with this person. Take a moment to acknowledge what the other person means to you, and your shared goodwill will only increase.
Consult a Financial Advisor or Financial Coach
Either a financial advisor or a Couples Financial Coach could potentially operate as a neutral third party, helping you work with your partner to overcome your financial struggles.
These different professionals also may be able to help you fill in your financial literacy gaps, making it easier to construct workable solutions.
FAQs
Here are some common questions about talking to your spouse about money.
How Do I Talk to My Spouse About Money Without Fighting?
If you want to avoid fighting while having money conversations, try to:
Choose a priority, and stay focused on that issue
Stay calm and respectful, and avoid judging yourself or your partner
Beforehand, identify your major points and consider how to share them kindly
Keep your feelings in check; express them without letting them run the show
Look at the numbers objectively and honestly
Minimize distractions, i.e., work emails, cell phones, awake children
Be and remain fully transparent
Hire a financial consultant
How Do You Deal with Money Issues in Marriage?
If you have money issues in your marriage, you can best deal with them through a peaceful conversation. Together, come up with a plan to tackle your debts and goals, including prioritizing them.
Figure out how to set aside some money from each paycheck to handle your expenses and work toward those goals.
Should Spouses Have To Ask Each Other for Money?
Spouses shouldn't have to ask each other for money, but you should have clear expectations and plans. Joint accounts work for many couples because they strengthen trust, open financial conversations, and keep you accountable with your partner.
How Often Should Couples Discuss Finances?
Every couple has different opinions for discussing finances. Some find more peace in discussing finances weekly, and others find that too stressful and need to have monthly meetings. Determine what works best for your relationship to find the best way to talk about money.
Talking About Money Isn’t the End of the World
You can overcome your relationship's financial troubles or fights through preparation and honest communication.
One of the best ways to talk to your spouse about money is with a financial coach. You can contact me today for a free first consultation to get to the bottom of your money issues.
Check out my blog to learn more about tackling finances as a couple.
Want to level up your game around money in your relationship? My free quiz will help you learn your Couple’s Money Personality Type AND how you can grow from there!
Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
