Advice: What To Do When Your Husband* Hides Money From You
*Anything said here can apply to people of any gender and to any type of relationship
Cheating financially is a big deal in marriages. If you worry about how your husband handles the finances, you might wonder what to do when your husband hides money from you. Here's everything you must know to handle this complicated issue.
What Is Financial Infidelity in Marriage?
You might not think of money when you think of marriage infidelity, but sometimes, financial infidelity can be worse than physical cheating. Financial infidelity includes:
Hiding money
Borrowing without telling a spouse
Withholding money from your spouse
In short, it means keeping money secrets from your spouse. When people hide money or aren't truthful about handling it, most spouses consider it a violation of their marriage.
Is Financial Infidelity a Crime?
In the eyes of the law, financial infidelity isn't a crime. However, most spouses consider it a crime, or at least a big breach of trust, sometimes even worse than physical cheating.
When there are financial secrets, it affects the marriage in ways that sometimes can't be undone. Even if one partner has control of the money, it doesn't give them the right to hide money, keep secret bank accounts, hide cash, or ruin the household finances.
What Does Hiding Money Indicate About a Relationship?
Relationships are based on honesty and trust. If a husband — or any spouse or significant other — lies and hides things, it can create the opposite of a healthy relationship.
Even if you have separate accounts and manage money separately, you are still married and should be honest with one another about the financial accounts and your financial life together.
Signs & Red Flags That Money Is Being Hidden
It can be hard to find signs your spouse is hiding something from you, but here are some hints that point to financial infidelity:
Bank and credit card statements don't come to the house: A sudden switch regarding how you receive statements, such as switching paper to e-statements or having them sent to a P.O. box, could be a sign he is trying to keep them from you
Your husband's direct deposit is suddenly smaller: Most employers don't decrease salaries, so a smaller income could signify your husband has money invested or deposited elsewhere to hide money from you
Your husband acts defensive when anything to do with finances comes up: If your husband's behavior suddenly changes when money comes up or a bill comes in the mail, it could be a sign that he is hiding cash or making decisions without you
Why Is My Husband Hiding Money and Lying About It?
If you're thinking, 'My husband lies about money,' you aren't alone. Millions of women are in this situation. But you might wonder why it happens. What caused your husband's behavior to create this monster in your relationship?
Here are the top reasons for financial dishonesty in a marriage.
Revenge
Sometimes, husbands commit financial infidelity because they are angry about something their wives did.
Often, it has to do with money. For example, if a wife is a breadwinner in the house but loses her job because she has to take so much time off for the kids, her husband may get angry when the wife suggests they cut back on spending money.
Instead of agreeing and helping with the family finances, a vengeful husband might hide, overspend, or borrow money without asking his wife.
Anxiety
Money and emotions often go hand-in-hand. Someone who grew up in a household with little money may have secret money hidden away in case the family runs out of money.
His anxiety may get the best of him, and in his mind, the only way to control that is to hide money to ensure there's always enough.
Spending sprees can also alleviate a person's anxiety. Some people get the same "high" feeling certain drugs provide when they go on spending sprees, which can lead to financial dishonesty in the marriage.
Different Values
Everyone comes to a marriage with a money story and money values. Sometimes, however, spouses don't agree. For example, one partner may feel it's okay to support an adult child, while another may frown upon it.
If your husband believes in supporting something you don't, you might feel like, 'My husband says his money is his, and he can do what he wants with it.'
Addiction
Addiction is the number one reason for financial secrets. If you see signs your husband is hiding something from you, it could be an addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or shopping.
Any addiction that requires cash can make your husband act differently. For example, a husband hiding money might have a secret bank account, stash cash in places around the house, or rack up credit card debt, hoping you don't see it.
An Affair
When your partner hides things from you, it could be more than a financial issue. He might be hiding a physical affair, too. Often, spouses spend more money when they have an affair to please their new partner and have accommodations for them to meet.
This could lead to secret credit card debt, secret bank accounts, and odd behavior from your husband. They may also buy you expensive gifts out of guilt or to appease you, and while that may not be financial infidelity, it could still hurt your financial situation.
Social Pressure
If you're newly married, you might wonder, "Why does my husband hide his finances from me?" Often, they do this because they have something to hide or at least something that they're ashamed of.
In today's world of social media and only showing your 'best side,' people feel pressured to act like they have a lot of money and can keep up with the Joneses. If you're now married or engaged, your partner may not want to show you the truth of his less-than-perfect financial life.
A Note on Self-Preservation
If you think, "My husband is lying to me," and you're scared for your well-being, you might hide money for yourself.
You might use it for things like therapy or stash it away for a rainy day, like if you decide you have to leave. If you always think, "My husband is controlling with money," you might want the money set aside to help yourself, especially if you decide to file for divorce.
If you're interested in seeing what financial counseling is all about, take advantage of my complimentary consultation!
How To Find Money Your Spouse Has Hidden
It can be hard to find money your spouse has hidden, but with these few tricks, you may be able to discover any hidden financial accounts or secret spending your spouse has or does:
Watch the mail
Look for new bank or credit card statements in the mail
Check credit card statements
Look for any unusual spending
Review the computer history
Look at the most frequented websites and notice if any of them are bank or investment pages you don't recognize
Look through your bank statements and alerts for large withdrawals you don't recognize
What To Do When Your Husband Hides Money From You
If you suspect your husband has financial secrets, you might wonder what to do when your husband hides money from you.
First, gather the proof in case you end up in divorce and need evidence of the assets so that you can get your fair share in any settlement or legal proceedings
Don't take the money you find; instead, take pictures of any hidden cash you find or statements you discover that you weren't meant to see
Next, find a time to talk to your husband when he is calm. Ask to have a conversation with him alone without any kids around to hear anything
Calmly discuss what you've discovered and see his reaction. If he's being deliberately deceptive, then he'll likely get defensive and mean when you call it out, so keep the conversation as calm as possible
Finally, consider financial coaching if you don't get anywhere with your conversation
Work with a financial advisor who helps couples with their finances, and not just how to save for retirement, but also how to manage money together so you are on the same page and neither spouse feels slighted.
When It's Okay To Hide Money From Your Spouse
Stashing cash, having secrets, and having your own money is okay in certain circumstances. While marriage, in general, should be completely open, there are times when you should know how to save money from your spouse secretly.
Planning a Surprise
If your spouse is okay with surprises (not everyone is), you might want your own money to pull off the surprise. Whether planning a party, making a large purchase, or planning a surprise trip, hiding money temporarily can create some fun in your relationship.
Buying a Gift
Buying gifts can be difficult if you have a joint account. If you can trust one another, it's a good idea to have a separate account so you can each have money to buy gifts for one another.
It's important, however, to first make sure you're on the same page financially and that the money in your separate accounts is money your spouse is aware of and doesn't mind you spending it how you want (and vice versa).
Leaving a Toxic/Abusive Relationship
If your relationship is toxic or abusive, you need cash to get out of it. Admitting to your spouse that you need to go out and need money to do so can worsen things, leading to even more control or other abusive behavior.
Make sure you have professional support when you decide to leave and that the money you take is money you're entitled to so that your spouse can't come after you for it.
FAQs
Can My Husband Legally Withhold Money From Me?
It's not illegal for your husband to withhold money from you unless he withholds the money needed to care for yourself and the children. However, spouses should communicate openly about money, and both contribute to managing and paying for joint expenses if not all expenses.
Can Your Spouse Access Your Bank Account?
Your spouse can only access your bank account if his name is on it. If you only have an account in your name, no one else can access it.
What if Your Partner Is Reckless With Money?
If your partner is reckless with money, getting help is important so that you don't enable them and that they work on their behavior.
Financial counseling can help you get on the same page and create financial goals together. If you can't get on the same page, you might consider other alternatives so that you don't get ruined financially.
What Happens When a Spouse Is Hiding Money During Divorce?
Spouses cannot hide money during divorce; it's illegal. They must disclose all assets, and if the courts discover a spouse is hiding money, they could face serious financial and even criminal penalties. The courts may also award a large portion of the hidden assets to the spouse.
Don't Let Your Finances Get Ruined by Your Spouse's Financial Irresponsibility
Knowing what to do when your husband hides money from you is essential.
No one should feel like they have to ask for money or that it's okay to be lied to. Whether you and your husband have joint accounts or not, financial honesty is the key to a healthy relationship.
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Adam Kol is The Couples Financial Coach. He helps couples go from financial overwhelm or fighting to clarity, teamwork, and peace of mind.
Adam is a Certified Financial Therapist-I™, Certified Mediator, and Tax Attorney with a Duke Law degree and a Master's in Tax Law from NYU. He is a husband, dad, and musician, as well.
Adam's wisdom has been shared with The Wall Street Journal, the Baltimore Ravens, CNBC, NewsNation, and more.
